I awoke this morning at 3:00am, being pulled by Something much bigger than me. A seeking, needing, searching pulling that finally made me escape my warm bed only to find comfort with my broken down recliner, blanket and laptop.
I had to get something out, discover what this need was, and put an end to my restlessness. I have never blogged before, thinking it was for those that had something to offer, something to say that had depth and great presence; a feeling that is probably familiar to most first time bloggers.
I’ve read blogs that moved me to tears, made me laugh, that make sense out of things like lost keys and wiping baby butts, which made me think deeper than I wanted to when I started reading them. In short, they planted a seed in me that led me to this place of seeking to write. Or maybe it’s just hunger.
This Something that has nudged me is a force that I have come to call my Higher Presence, Higher Power, God, if you will. It’s the “Voice” that comes from within me, not through my ears that for years I have ignored, brushed off and loathed. I have been blessed to finally have turned to this Presence with a willingness that really has only come directly from this Something itself. I might not be making any sense whatsoever for those reading this but I’m ok with that. Maybe this blogging thing is really just for those that find themselves on the writing end rather than the reading end, maybe.
My beliefs aren’t very committing to what is known as organized, concrete or even sensible. I have sought for years to find the One Thing that will make sense and take me to a place where I can say “I have arrived.” Ironically, it’s not really one thing at all. I have found it’s a combination of countless experiences, mistakes and bittersweet loneliness. I have read that lessons that go unlearned keep coming back until they stamp upon the student their indelible mark. It’s a Something that each human being has inside them, either buried underneath layers of fear or living out loud in their daily choices.
I like connecting to this Something. It’s a force that knows me well, that watches over me, that loves me. I am most lost when I run from it and most at peace when I tap into it though those times consist of only moments, glimpses. I say it’s a cool thing that I have even that to hold on to. It’s my choice to dig deeper or to pretend this Something doesn’t exist. I think I’ll keep it simple and just go with it. I’m curious to see where it leads me.