I'm borrowing the inspiration (and the title) right from one of my favorite Little House on the Prairie episodes. I watched it last night (Netflix is my homeboy) and knew immediately that I needed to pass it on and say to my most beloved peps what they mean to me.
Remember when Ms. Amy's best buddy died on her 80th birthday, in her rocking chair while reading a "I'm too busy to come see you this year" letter from her ungrateful daughter? And how Ms. Amy faked her own wake just so she could get her own brats to come "see" her one last time? And when they all showed up happy as little lambs and Ms. Amy watched from under her black veil in the corner and then revealed herself shaming them all for not coming to see her while she was alive?...I loved it!
If I Should Die Before I Wake
This is my way of telling those that are closest to me how I feel, just in case.
As Ms. Bridgette said in last night's episode "Mother and I went nose-to-nose more times than I care to remember", so did we. I knew you and I have had our moments, days, weeks, years of painful emotional trials. Yet, you never showed how much I hurt you. You always welcomed me home with a smile and open arms. Your strength, sharp wit, beauty and intelligence never ceased to amaze me. If I had your life, I would not have lasted as long or as gracefully as you have. Thank you for adopting me into your life and into your heart. I hope as I've grown in my sobriety, you've seen the daughter that I meant to be. I love you.
You were always my hero as a child. You were my own 20th century Pa Ingalls, complete with a business suit, briefcase and a 8 track tape player in your Caddy. I've written alot about you lately as my healing from your passing almost 14 years ago had to come full circle. I know, I was always a bit of a slow one. I won't go on too much here as I'll be seeing you soon and we can catch up then. First thing I want to do is fly over to an Angels game, hang out on a cloud and talk your ear off the entire time while you try to listen to the sports casters on your hand held radio and watch the game. I love you.
I wish I could tell this to you face-to-face as I haven't seen you now in almost 4 years. I never took the time to come back to NC and hug you and never let go. You've been my best friend since 1994 on that day in Taco Bell on Western's campus.
You've never, ever condemed me though when I told you I was preggers with Riri, you came mighty close. Still, you gathered your grace and beauty and stuck by the side of your wayward, lost friend from Cali. You always knew just what to say to calm me down, to give me the love I needed, to pull my covers, to make me laugh. You always lived this life the way I wanted to, with the beauty and humor that I never had. I was blessed to have an Angel right here on Earth to guide me to the places in my heart that I never knew existed. Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself I LVOE you.
GAAWD saved your friendship for the very last, when He knew I'd need it most. Running away from reality, moving to Vegas on a spree, both physical and emotional, and trying to raise a little girl on my own, you entered my life and made my last few years here so wonderful.
You loved me from the start. You're light shown across the room one day and I wanted what you had. And you showed me just how to get it. You're beautiful inside and out and I was so blessed to have been your friend and sponsee. You MADE my sobriety what it was by your guidance, experience, strength and hope. I was happy for the first time in years because of your walking me, hand-in-hand down this road to happy destiny. I wish I had met your Dad so I could have gotten one of those Daddy bear hugs that I've missed so much. Thank you for showing me how I could grow and become a better person, mommy, daughter, sister, and friend. I will take your memory with me and sing all the way to Heaven. I love you.
I know you prefer to be called James but when we were growing up, you were Jamie. Since it's my last night on this Earth, I think you can let it slide. I'll keep it short as I know you'll appreciate that. I love you.
You picked me to be your mommy. Out of all the mommies in the world, you looked down one day from
Heaven, looked GAAWD straight in the eye and said "I want that one. That one right down there wasting her life away and pissing everyone off. Yep, that's gonna be MY mommy." I used to always think of this and think GAAWD would have tried to talk you out of it but now, I know He replied "Good choice child."
You came into my world, shone your little light and I've never been the same. Even after you came, my choices grew poorer and I got even more lost, but you were that little anchor that never let me go too far.
You had my heart wrapped around that little finger from the moment the nurse brought you in on that pillow and layed you on my chest. Finally, we were together.
You made me laugh out loud everyday. You showed me that I could love a little piece of Heaven with every fiber of my body, heart and soul. You were my Gift and I hope that you knew how much you meant to me.
You would take my breath away countless times. You're becoming such a beautiful young lady. I wish I could stay to watch what you will become but I have no doubt it's going to be amazing! I will watch over you from Heaven and guide you gently as my father did for me.
I love you little acorn. Now, go grow into that gorgeous oak tree that's inside you.
There are so many more friends I'd like to say someone special about individually. I know that's impossible to do on this blog but not impossible to do in today's world with all this technology.
So tonight, before I lay me down for the last time, I'm going to make some calls and say what needs to be said, just in case.
I love you.