Monday, June 28, 2010

Lack of Humility

I have always struggled with the concept of humility. Once, someone I was working for told me I needed more humility in my life...I had to look the word up in the dictionary.

At 2 years sobriety, I have found myself still "trying to get" humility in my life. I have successfully stayed sober since March 31, 2008 without it. It's catching up to me.

In my recovery, humility is one of the essential ingredients in building a long-lasting, firm foundation. There are times when I wake up to the fact that my recovery is more build on shifting sand than anything concrete.

Situations in my life today have paralyzed me. So much so, that I'm depressed again. It's been awhile since I've been this down for this length of time. It's not comfortable, not at all. It once was a normal method of survival for me, now it's a nuisance.

My sobriety hangs in the balance. If I don't talk about this, get this out, turn it over, I'll be living on borrowed time. That sounds so melodramatic but without sobriety, it's not living I will be doing, it would be existing and it wouldn't be pretty.

I need to get back to gratitude. Find my God again. Get back to basics. Admit I am not equipped to make decisions on my own yet. Damn, you would think I was a pre-teen writing this stuff but I'm a middle aged, single mother that is waaaaay behind on growing up.

I need God to take this from me. Take the fear and pain associated with the job away. Take the searching for a new home for my family away. Take having to find a place to take my beloved Roxi away. Take it all God. I can't handle it. My life is unmanageable.

Take everything away but leave my sobriety. Help me today make it through this next 24 hours sober. I cannot focus on anything more. I have stumbled and need help getting up. Or maybe I should just stay here, on my knees and seek.

If I don't find a way to humble myself and turn it over, I will keep holding on to everything with clenched fists only to find that I will lose it all. Then I will be left truly empty.

2 comments:

  1. I love you sweetie. You'll make it.

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  2. First...if you consider this middle age then you are planning on checking out waaaaaay too soon.

    Second...find that list of all the things that rock about you (you know, the one that you asked your FB buddies to help with) and read it.

    Third...read it again...like you mean it.

    Fourth...stop laugh-crying and read it AGAIN.

    Fifth...know that life is full of ups and downs...and you have to have the downs to appreciate the ups. You are doing great...it may not feel like it all the time, but you are. Your FB buddies know it. Your blog buddies know it. And the non-cyber-people in your life know it too.

    Sixth...read the list again.


    Step back and look at your life from the outside for a minute. What would someone else see?... See that blonde chick over there? No, not that one! The bubbley one with the cute butt? Yeah, her. She is sooo amazing! Yeah, just last week, she was helping raise money so this sweet little girl could get one of those service dogs. And she has done all kinds of work to raise money for cancer! She is training to run a marathon or something later this year to raise money too! I would never feel confident enough to do those things. Would you? No, me either. Yeah, AND she is a single Mom to the cutest little girl! She has so much passion and dedication to everything that she takes on and I can't even make a commitment to a salad dressing! I wish I could be more like her.

    Jenny, I am sure that you bring more into the lives of others than you could ever imagine...and I am sure that you also inspire others without even knowing it. You don't have to change the world all at one time...nor do you have to change YOUR world all at one time either. You may have moved to Vegas on some sort of whim...but, you are in Vegas because Vegas is where you need to be. You found sobriety in Vegas. You are still in Vegas because apparently there is something else that has to happen there. It may not even be something that you know you did (or are doing), but something that somehow you put in motion, that you can't put into motion anywhere else.

    Tie a knot in the end of your rope and hang on...you may have to hang on for awhile...but, I am sure that it will be worth the wait and the blessing will abound.

    I am so proud of you and I continue to grow in my admiration of you everyday! You need to look at you through the eyes of others sometimes and see how amazing you are and maybe things wont be so hard.

    LVOE you!!

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