Friday, June 25, 2010

This Too Shall Pass…But When?

The dark cloud arrived some time ago and it is content staying right where it is. Today it got worse…I got jealous, not envious, but downright jealous of a friends good fortune. Then it hit me, how could I be a true friend if I was jealous? Real love is not jealous.

Bring on the rain. If I knew my mother would never read this, I’d say bring on the fucking rain. Being pissy and edgy gets on my nerves, thus leading to more pissiness and edginess. Endless cycle. Dog chasing its tail.

I know better than to stay in this place of self-pity and loathing. It’s not the falling down that makes us fail, it’s the staying there. Well, I’m here and apparently unpacking and getting comfy in my sick little world.

It’s my choice. It’s always been my choice to stay here or get over it. Before recovery, I was ignorant to that fact. Today, I have no excuse. If I choose to be here, then hey, right on…just don’t bring another down with me. The friends I have today know better too. It’s lonely feeling sorry for oneself.

Why am I so scared of giving myself a chance at a better life? Why do I see others moving forward, succeeding and wish it were me while I’m just sitting around doing not one damn thing? Do I even know how to be a friend?

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. Face Everything and Recover. Fuck Everything and Run.

I can’t believe the thoughts of actually pulling all this down on my head have lingered this long. Can you imagine how it could be if I took that first drink?

Back to basics. Slow down. PAUSE.

So...I’m not perfect after all. Sobriety isn’t just a glorious walk in the park. It’s pretty awesome when I want to see it that way and it’s led me to some great blessings. What’s my problem?

Oh yea…I’m spiritually sick in many ways. I’m not recovered, not by a long shot.

Do the next right thing. One step at a time. Don’t drink, no matter what. Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the Serenity…to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
Wisdom to know the difference.


Amends. Humility. Silence. Prayer. Fellowship. Solution.

This Too Shall Pass…But When?

fade to black..........
.........................................
......................................................................

2 comments:

  1. I love you. Be patient, be strong. You are capable of anything. I have faith in you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You can always call, text, email me... or even move with me :) We can support each other every step of the way. I know fear. I face fear. I yell at fear. Yell with me... Smile with me... Cry with me... Grow with me... Love with me... Breathe with me... Everything passes... You are blessed.
    I am greatly blessed just by knowing you.

    ReplyDelete

Share Your Thoughts...

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.