Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Burning Roses

These last few days I have been struggling with the knowledge of something that took me by surprise and knocked me on my ass. It's time to get it out, to purge, to heal and let go.

I write this at the risk of hurting another. However, I cannot let that detour me. This is where I come when I'm hurting, confused, angry or happy. This is my private space that I choose to share with anyone who cares to partake. There has never been a time where I've held back and I'm not about to start now.

This post is about a man that I once knew. A man I truly wanted with everything I had. A man that I didn't think existed. A man who came and went as quickly as a shooting star across the desert sky. His absence in my life has now left a wake that I am drowning in and to be honest, it's starting to piss me off.

I wanted this man for all the right reasons. He was handsome, sexy, tattooed, single, a father, a counselor for at-risk youth and homeless teens, clean, sober, kind and generous. The thought of him would have me daydreaming of a future with someone that shared my interests, hopes, dreams. Someone that wanted to make this world a better place. And he had the most amazing sideburns.

After a couple of dates, a handful of phone calls, countless texts and a dozen long-stem red roses, it was over.

He stopped calling me. I didn't bother harrassing, stalking, obsessing or bitching. After about a week, I reached out, after swearing that I wouldn't. I already knew what he was saying with his silence. I knew he was gone. I was the only one left wondering what happened. I was the only one who cared.

He was honest after I asked him what was wrong. He told me he liked me but was simply too busy to see me anymore. And that was the end of that.

I let it go (or so I thought). It felt good that the truth was out and that we both knew where we stood. Clean, healthy split. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

Fast forward two weeks later. Now I'm running into him each morning at my daughter's school. We don't speak; we don't say hello. We rush by hoping not to cross paths. It borders on rudeness and it's eating me up.

When I see him, I want to touch him. I want to reach out and laugh with him again. I want to do something, anything besides this ignoring, pretending we don't know each other bullshit.

My ego kicks in.
"How can he NOT like me? Look at me! I'm awesome."

Then come my resentments.
"What's his problem anyway? Where does he get off "dumping" me like that?"

And lastly, self-centered, self pity arrives.
"What did I do? What is wrong with me? Did I say something wrong?"

The one thing that's missing, the most important, crucial thing in all of this that I am still lacking is...

ACCEPTANCE.

There doesn't have to be ONE reason why this happened. There doesn't have to be any rational explanation. No one needs to place blame. No one needs to be hurt.

This guy is cruising right along as he always was before I barged into his life. He's perfectly fine with how he's living. And it's time I get back to being perfectly fine with how I'm living too.

Before this all happened, I surrounded myself with positivity, light, peace, love, gratitude and serenity. And it made me better than ever. I found "Jenny" again after losing her for what seemed an eternity.

So things didn't work out. So the fantasy didn't come true. Jenny didn't get her man. ACCEPTANCE is the key to all my problems today. So what makes me think I can go another day of running into this person and refusing to allow acceptance to enter in?
Seems to me that not to do so would just be juvenile and self-defeating. And the Jenny that I've been reunited with doesn't play that way anymore.

Now all that is left to do is to get my best friend over here tomorrow night and burn some roses.




XOXO,

Jenny

2 comments:

  1. Good luck, you deserve it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are speaking for every single person who has ever loved. I recommend taking joy in the fact that you have the capacity to experience ALL of these feelings... how awful would it be to have lived an entire life never knowing what it was like to ache for someone, to walk in the clouds just for a bit. Create something out of your pain and you'll be even more awesome than you already are.

    One day, you'll have the confidence, clarity and calmness again to be able to see him at school and give a friendly smile, and it will feel really nice.

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