It's Day 4 of my newly committed sobriety and I wanted to write about some perspective I've gained in the last 72+ hours.
When one woman found out about my relapse, she inquired if I was serious or just being dramatic. My response was "Of course I relapsed. I wouldn't joke about something like that."
"Or would I?", I asked myself later on.
I knew that making light of a relapse was not really my style but being dramatic definitely was. At first, I was saddened and shocked that someone would think that I could be that kind of person but after a while, the truth of the matter is that I was that kind of person.
I was melodramatic, emotional, sensitive, and insecure. Yes, even after doing the 12-steps and having 3 years of sobriety under my belt. It hit me that I really hadn't changed at all when it came to handling my emotions and living life on life's terms.
Now in writing this, I sit on a very fine line between being rigorously honest with myself and beating myself up. The goal of this post is definitely not to rehash all those moments of Jenny bashing. I want to explore the enlightenment that this relapse has given me and enjoy the fact I still have enough hope and willingness to seek a greater, more rewarding sobriety.
I stopped listening when they would stress the importance of strengthening your spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. I was still only praying when I felt like it.
When the spiral of self-pity grabbed ahold of me last week, I didn't have that safety net of faith - the one you aquire when you seek a daily interaction with the God of your understanding.
I would sit in meetings and listen to others share about relapse and say to myself "That's not going to happen to me. I'm too scared of that first drink to go back out. My bottom was IT for me and I'm never going to do that again!"
Now, I'd never admit that out-loud because you're not supposed to think that "you're cured". Going to meetings became more about seeing my friends than getting the check up from the neck up that I needed. I felt that missing a few wouldn't hurt because I pretty much "got this thing" anyway. *gasp*
I couldn't even see that I was already trying to control my drinking before I even got in the car to go to the liquor store. I told myself "Stay away from the hard stuff - you can't "handle" that. Just get some of those fancy lemonades and drink them really fast to get your buzz and take the edge off. That should do the trick. No blackouts, no throwing up, no forgetting you have a kid or passing out. Then tomorrow, just wake up and forget it ever happened."
You see, when you're not close with your Source of Strength (aka God, Higher Power, Spirit of the Universe, Ghandi, Dr. Suess, Horton, whatever), not working the steps you've been given as a tool to successfully get through thoughts such as these, AND you don't give a shit about praying, then you get what are called "the fuck-its" and you drink. That's just what drunks do.
And I'm glad I did. It's not the smartest way to discover that your sobriety was lacking a firm foundation but hey, it is what it is.
This revelation, this awareness, this fresh start is going to change my sobriety and save my life.