I have always struggled with the concept of humility. Once, someone I was working for told me I needed more humility in my life...I had to look the word up in the dictionary.
At 2 years sobriety, I have found myself still "trying to get" humility in my life. I have successfully stayed sober since March 31, 2008 without it. It's catching up to me.
In my recovery, humility is one of the essential ingredients in building a long-lasting, firm foundation. There are times when I wake up to the fact that my recovery is more build on shifting sand than anything concrete.
Situations in my life today have paralyzed me. So much so, that I'm depressed again. It's been awhile since I've been this down for this length of time. It's not comfortable, not at all. It once was a normal method of survival for me, now it's a nuisance.
My sobriety hangs in the balance. If I don't talk about this, get this out, turn it over, I'll be living on borrowed time. That sounds so melodramatic but without sobriety, it's not living I will be doing, it would be existing and it wouldn't be pretty.
I need to get back to gratitude. Find my God again. Get back to basics. Admit I am not equipped to make decisions on my own yet. Damn, you would think I was a pre-teen writing this stuff but I'm a middle aged, single mother that is waaaaay behind on growing up.
I need God to take this from me. Take the fear and pain associated with the job away. Take the searching for a new home for my family away. Take having to find a place to take my beloved Roxi away. Take it all God. I can't handle it. My life is unmanageable.
Take everything away but leave my sobriety. Help me today make it through this next 24 hours sober. I cannot focus on anything more. I have stumbled and need help getting up. Or maybe I should just stay here, on my knees and seek.
If I don't find a way to humble myself and turn it over, I will keep holding on to everything with clenched fists only to find that I will lose it all. Then I will be left truly empty.