I'm in the process of losing my job. There, I said it. Now it's time to move into acceptance.
This post goes out the my friend Jenniflower that has helped me through this tremendous pain. I love you so much.
I've been a receptionist for 2 1/2 years at a HVAC company. It's a job that came when I needed one the most. I most certainly never was a career goal or a place that I belonged.
I knew the day they asked me to come aboard permanently (I came in as a temp) only if I kept my tattoo covered with turtle necks and collars each day because "if the President saw it, he would lose it", that I wasn't really a great match. I think they were just grateful to find a receptionist that had skills and was willing to work hard, not to mention one with a college degree that was desperate enough to take the position. That was December 2007.
I was surrounded by people that talked ceaselessly about their personal lives. They were tight, this group. Too tight. They worried about the dust buildup on their BMW's, got mani/pedi's on a weekly basis, and would never, ever dream of taking their clothes straight from the dryer instead of ironing them. I was in waaay over my head.
I tried so hard from the start to "fit in" and to be liked. I came in with no sobriety in my life, At 3 months employment, I put the bottle down but then realized I had absolutely no crutch to lean on. I was a raw bundle of nerves; a scared, insecure woman with the knowledge that I had to shape up or ship out. That was March 2008.
My days were filled with answering phone calls, filing folders, ordering office supplies and most importantly, being someone I wasn't so I could hold on to this position and please everyone. I wasn't being true to myself when that Something Within started whispering "This is not where you belong."
Trips home were met with more tears than I care to admit. I had to be honest that I just wasn't like these people and to find some kind of peace in that. I had to start growing up and learn to be grateful I even had a job. I had to play the game. I also had to start looking elsewhere for a better fit. But I never did. I was comfortable in this misery, thinking it was what I deserved and that this job was going to teach me all the things that I couldn't teach myself. That Something Within was getting louder. That was October 2008.
Now it's June 2010. I've made it this far. I haven't quit. I've grown tremendously in my sobriety. I have friends that love me. I am working on myself, learning to love myself too. I don't cry so much anymore, until last week. I think I've cried every week day since. Not good.
Yesterday I had to sit down with my direct supervisors and listen to lies about my performance on the job; about how they wanted to help make me a better person. I was told that "when something is going wrong in your life, to come in and tell someone rather than keeping quiet and making it an uncomfortable work environment for everyone else." I was told that I "should be grateful to work in such an extended family as theirs." Really?
I was told customers and vendors have been complaining about "the receptionist" for months. Months?! If that were the case, why have they waited this long to mention it and why won't they give me specifics on what it is these people have been complaining about? I knew by now it was best not to ask such a question, to nod in mindless agreement and to keep my mouth shut.
As for the employees, they definitely weren't happy because the calls were being transferred too quickly, the Splenda was out of stock for two days and I didn't come by their cubicles each morning with a great big "Helloooo!!".
I wasn't like them. I was different. I didn't need to share my personal life with anyone in there. I had changed from that insecure, scared woman into someone that was ok with who I was. I was no longer broken and I certainly didn't need fixing. I did my job and did it well, period.
I had to sign a "wrongful behavior" warning chaulk full of crap, take a cut in pay and be told that if one more complaint from inner office came down the line that they would relieve me of my duties, immediately. I knew that I was screwed. At this point, that Something Within was all but yelling at me.
My part? Yea, I played a major part in all of this. I stayed far too long in a place where I had no business being. I was lying to myself, to my employers and to God. Major no-no.
What I couldn't see in all of this was that Something bigger is happening here. I've been working hard to make something that was so far off of what was good for me, actually work.
Now it's gone too far and that God of mine has had enough. If this is how It's going to get my attention, then I have to look or else I will miss the bus. The bus to a better life, for myself and my daughter.
"Don't let a place that's holding you back anyway be the one thing that breaks you," Jenniflower told me last night after I called her, again, in tears, again.
Click. Bingo. Yahtzee. Houston, we have contact. The lightbulb (energy saving, of course) has just been flipped into the ON position. TUGAAWD.
There's Something going on here. Something bigger than me. It's time I give into It, to "man up" and to let go. Let go of what's not working and find the faith and courage to seek what will.