Thursday, October 7, 2010

He's Just Not That Into You

Ok, so I haven't had a boyfriend in over 3 years and the last boyfriend wasn't even a boyfriend; more the married guy back East that just wanted a little hussy on the side when he got bored at home. I gladly signed up for the job.

Well, I'm proud to say that's not me anymore. HOWEVER, I still flounder when it comes to relationships. I almost hesitated to use that word but it's the lesser of evils so throughout this post, I will refer to my experiences with men (again, this term is used loosely) as relationships.

Since moving to Las Vegas, it's a rare occurence when a man (ahem) looks my way. I like that think it's because of all the hot strippers walking around the suburban streets instead of my not-so-stunning good looks. Regardless, it's not easy being single in Sin City.

I've met some great guy friends that mean a great deal to me. One of my fav's might even be reading this (Hi Gregz!!) and he was as close as I got to a relationship. He and I kissed once and that about freaked me out so bad that it didn't take long for me to run him off. He's still a great friend (and a great kisser, ladies) and for that I am very grateful.

So, back to me...

Recently I've had the wonderful opportunity to realize just why I shouldn't be dating. And it's not because it's a bad example for my young and impressionable daughter. It's because he was 6'3", 240, tall, dark and handsome. Basically, way out of my league and he must have seen me coming from a mile away.

I will spare you good people any more details and just keep it short. It took less than 3 weeks to figure out this guy just was not that into me. Hey, that's a good thing. It usually takes me 3 months and once it took me well over 3 years to figure that out.

I got to experience all the craziness it took to simply try to communicate with this guy and how he and I were both so damaged from our past relationships, that we weren't capable of being what we needed to be for each other. We just couldn't find our way around the fear, defensiveness and vunerability it would take to relax and move forward in a healthy manner. It's all a lesson to be learned, sad but true.

Don't get me wrong, the kid was an asshole. No doubt about it. But name calling is just not that nice so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to dedicate the rest of this blog to one of my favorite books and call it a day.

Quotes from He's Just Not That Into You
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
snipped from

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do."

"Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you."

"Beware of the word "friend". It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep."

"I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"You can't blame a guy for having feelings. You love someone, you break up, you still have feeling. Thank God for that really. But having feelings don't mean you have to have sex."

"Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you."

"Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must."

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you."

"Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

"It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to."

"Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out."

"Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again. It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex. No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex."

"He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on."

"Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company."

"Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal."

"Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on."

"Breakup sex still means you're broken up."

"Cut him off. Let him miss you."

"He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great."

"There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend."

"The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing."

"Don't give him the chance to reject you again."

"No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing."

"Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse."

"Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with."

"You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."


  1. This book really says it all!

  2. pimped you on my facebook. i have a few friends who might actually benefit from this...


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