Really? Just what does that mean anyway? I've never been able to wrap my head around this phrase, this simple concept and this morning, it baffles me even further.
Recently I have played and enjoyed the Numbers Game on FB. Many good friends have said amazing things about me. It really helped me see what a valuable person I am in so many lives. It's easy to forget.
I'd like to share one particular post that brought all of that crashing down for me, at least temporarily. As you will read, this person has only the best in mind for me yet I was able to find the negative in it, and of course, I'm chewing on this like a dog on a bone.
"A few times in your life you get an opportunity to meet someone who amazes you in so many ways, and on so many levels. Someone who you immediately judge to be one way, but then find out there is immeasurable depth in intellect and emotion. Someone that you have incredible physical chemistry with, and that chemistry that emanates from somewhere beyond just the skin-deep view that most people have of them. Their life, their feelings, their pain, their joy is a wonder to behold. And you don't understand the connection, or even want to try to understand it. You just accept it, in spite of how you think others may judge how you feel about this person. You amaze me, intrigue me, and excite me, 121. I am so glad I've come to know you the way I have. I hope we will have the opportunity to know each other on many other levels in the coming days."
This person works in the same circles as I do. We share our time with the same persons, inside a very tightly-knit atmosphere. From my 3 years there, I have taken note of the many ways most of these people are connected to each other.
Since my early days, I've wanted nothing but to fit in. I've wanted to be a part of whatever it is that makes these people so close, so friendly with each other. I've never quite succeeded.
It's taken a lot of courage to suit up and show up to this establishment every week day and hold my head up. It's been a struggle not to allow the way these people "see" me to get me down, to define who I am.
There's a reason why most of the people I work with see me a certain way, why I'm judged the way I am. Let me try to explain without opening the self-bashing flood gates.
I can't do it. I have written and deleted so many lines about what I don't have, what I don't look like, how "stupid", "dumb" and "simple" I can be. All in an attempt to show you how I come off to most of the people I work with. Almost defending the same attitudes and misconceptions of what others "see" in me.
I won't do it. I won't listen to that negative voice inside my head that wants to ultimately destroy me. The one that taunts me into believing the image that so many others see. The voice that holds the same power as evil that can actually kill me spiritually, if I listen.
What leaves me sad about all of this is how my first reaction is pain, self-loathing, self-pity. The exact emotions that I need to stay away from. I just re-read the post and tried to see it from a healthy perspective. I want to thank the person who wrote it and privately sent it to me. They hold a very lucrative position in this Company and they took a risk creating it. There's something to be said for that.
What leaves me peeved about all of this is that a majority of people, not only in this particular office, but possibly world wide, are fucking wrong, dead wrong.
Too many people are too caught up in things that hold absolutely no value, What good is being good looking, wealthy, inconceivably smart, successful and desireable if you use it as a bar to judge others with? I don't see the value in being someone like that.
Maybe it's because I could never fit into those variables and I'm jealous. Maybe it leaves me hurt and exposed that others see the "real" me and reject it. Maybe it's because I work within the walls of what life really is all about and I just don't get it. Maybe I'll never know.
But what I do know is I don't want to be like these people anymore. I just want to be Me. The Me that makes this place just a little bit better than it was before. The Me that desires to make someone else's life just a little bit better than it once was. the Me that seeks to give back all that has been given to Me. I want to be the Me that makes a difference in this world. The Me that my daughter sees, that my true friends see.
I want to lose the desire for this group of people to accept me. I want to be done with thinking twice about how I look to these people. So I don't make the cut. So I don't quite measure up. So this one person has to tippy-toe around because if anyone there found out we have made a connection, it would possibly damage his relations with others. I don't want any part of that.
I just want to be Me. The Me that will never be successful by most other's standards. The Me that can smile when she helps those less fortunate, those without presents to open on Christmas Day, those that feel alone, those that are in pain, those that are struggling to find a way out of the exact places I've been in.
I want to be the Me that God made me to be, no matter if it's not good enough for someone else.