I'm sitting here at the end of a great day, in my cozy bed with my laptop and a dozen thoughts buzzing around in my pretty little head. Good things are happening; great feelings are bubbling up from that long forgotten place deep inside my conscience. And the one word that keeps coming up when I try to pigeon hole these emotions is "Purpose".
Purpose. Really? I mean that's the best you can do? Awwww come on Jen. How about something more dramatic like "Reason" or "Fate"? Oh, OH...I know!! What about "Destiny" or even "Divinity"?!
Nope, sorry. Just "Purpose". Now shut up head and let me finish.
I believe as human beings, we all seek a reason for why we're living, why we're here, on this planet, experiencing all the bittersweet moments that make up our lives. I know for me, I've wondered many times just what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and does it even matter that I'm here. There was a time that I asked myself if anyone would miss me if I were to disappear. And around that same time, not many people would have. I am blessed that today, many, many people would miss me and that I have no desire whatsoever to disappear. But that's not where I was going with this.
Seeking that grand explanation into why we exist is a bit of a tall order. It became too much for me to deal with so I became an alcoholic instead. Now I didn't set out to break my parents hearts, smash their dreams for me or ruin any chances of living a decent, respectable life; I just chose the path of least resistance. And it lead me right to Las Vegas, a single mother, broke, pathetic, and addicted not only to alcohol but to hopelessness.
I don't have to live that way anymore. Those of you that read my blog know most of my story. I don't care to relive it in this post but I do care to share just what I am feeling this night in particular.
You see, there's this guy....
LOL, I just had to say that for some giggles. (I like to giggle.)
No really, I did have a guy that's a friend ask me earlier to write a little something when I'm feeling good, not just when I'm bitching about yuppie scum or not having enough sodas and chocolate at my disposal (God I crack myself up).
Tonight I have been given the pleasure of knowing 100% that I have a purpose here on this planet. Just for tonight, there is a purpose for me being exactly who I am, not some fake wanna-be person, but the real deal. The real Jenny Jen Jen. And let me tell ya, it feels great.
When you can listen to someone share things that open them up to vunerability and be thrilled that they did, that's gratifying. When you can be there for someone when they need a real friend? Absolutely the coolest. When you can share with someone how you feel about things that you really can't explain but they "get it"? Bitchin'. When you spend an hour conversing with another human being and making a connection that helps you feel less alone? That's a gift. And when you can get off the phone, elated, knowing that your friend is in a better mood, a little happier, in a better "place" because of what you gave to the conversation? That's Purpose.
And that's what makes this recovering alcoholic, this bat-crazy single mommy, this struggling receptionist with no idea of what she wants to do when she grows up, a happy camper.
I can honestly say that, that Something Within is glowing inside me tonight and really making it clear that life, coincidence, and even the concept of "God" all come down to this feeling. The feeling that we all belong, we all need each other, we are all connected, and that we are not alone.