Wednesday, January 26, 2011

When Friends Go To Bat For You

Earlier this morning, I posted a question on my FB page. The subject matter centered around a man that I have known for over 20 years and was once extremely head-over-heels in love with. Knowing this man and spending over a year of my life with him in an 18-wheeler, he became one of the foundation stones that makes me "ME" today. Without knowing him, I could never dream of being 1/2 of what I am today. Thank you JB.

I recently looked for and found my long lost friend on FB. I owed him an amends for my past behavior and an honest apology for all the crap I put him through. The moment we talked again, it was like 20 years dissolved instantly. We didn't miss a beat.

However, we did choose different paths. We both live very different lives today. It didn't take long until I was faced with an extremely difficult decision. I had to think outside of my desires, get honest, do the right thing and most importantly, be true to myself. Not easy for a recovering, self-centered drunk like me.

The following is a FB dialogue of this struggle and how it helped me solidify my decision to let him go, again. It was all because of some help from some amazing women. Each lady is so strong and so completely inspiring.

You might find this conversation fascinating; witnessing first hand two very different points of view that hold well worth their weight in gold. Experience, strength and hope is what was presented to me and not one bit of it slipped through my fingers.

I took a step back a few hours later and reviewed the stream. I knew immediately I had to share it. It showed me was just how LOVED I am. Truly and deeply loved by some kick-ass bitches. We should all be so lucky.

Thank you ladies for going to bat for me. Thank you for showing me that even if I never find the "one", I am already beyond blessed having you in my life. XOXO

The following is a stream post from FB, snipped in it's entirety with minor spelling fixes and name protection put in place. Can't have anyone kicking anyone's ass now can we? lol

Jenny Defx: What's that saying...if you love someone, set them free. If you find them again 15 years later, married and raising kids, set them free again. Right?

AM: Do you really want to know how I feel?

Jenny Defx: Always...

AM: How does he feel? He might not even want to be in his marriage. Maybe he has been carrying you around in his heart for 15 years and just yearning to find you again. Maybe he regrets being let free in the first place. Home is where the heart... is... The marriage already had cracks if he still loves you and wants you. Doll, I am in love with a man that I probably will never have the way I want... If you both love each other, love each other and don't let go this time.

REM: Idk the situation but I want to say something if that's ok Jenny?

Jenny Defx: You bet.

REM: If he's married with kids...walk, no, run away. I have watched this scenario over and over and was dumb enough to get involved in it once. It never goes well for the....umm....mistress. Whether it's a physical or emotional affair, you won't... be put first and your needs won't be met.

You are a beautiful, wonderful woman and you deserve the BEST. You don't need the drama and neither does Riri. The other kids will not have much respect, if any, for a woman that's right there as their Mom and Dad's marriage falls apart. Whether or not you do, they'll blame you for breaking it up and it will take a long time for then to get past that as well as damage their trust with their Dad. Too many casualties of domestic war to be a good thing. If he were truly your 'meant to be' then he would be completely available and as emotionally healthy as you are. He's probably looking for a 'fix' to escape his problems and you happen to be right there. Don't stoop to that. You are worth so much more sweetie! ♥ you!

REM: To add to that, I wasn't implying that you are having an affair, just that maybe the thought of sticking around or being a presence was there and the just being emotionally there can lead to an emotional affair. I hope that makes sense...

LOG: Amen to all of the above, Sweeties :o)

AM: Not to confuse you but my kids tell me to leave for love and want me happy. Are the kids from that marriage? The kids might see that dad and mom aren't happy either. Sure, divorce sucks, but staying in one and always wondering with regrets does too. There is always multiple sides.

Jenny Defx: Doing the right thing is hard. Figuring out what that is is far more difficult.

REM: I understand AM but if he leaves, Jenny should NOT have any bearing on his decision. It needs to be his and his alone...because he is unhappy. NOT because he has another warm bed to crawl into. He's not wanting to face his problems. He wants to escape them and find comfort somewhere else.

I'm sorry but 'I'm not in love anymore' is a piss-poor reason for divorce. They need to get some counseling and put some effort into that marriage to make it better. Love isn't just always there and feelings are deceitful. It takes commitment and it takes work and sacrifice of self.

I wouldn't want a man that can walk out on his wife and children after years just because he feels like it. I wouldn't want that for my children either. I'd rather be alone.

LOG: REM, in my opinion, you are wise beyond your years :o)

REM: Awww thanks LOG! It's not me, it's the blessing of listening to those much older and wiser than me that finally decided to change their life. They inspire me not to live in my 'ism' :D

AM: That's not what I meant. I don't want Jenny jumping in bed with a married man. This is when he decides the marriage is over...after that. Marriage therapy takes two. I know this man would take his kids and not walk out on them ever. Once again there are multiple sides to every story. He also will respect Jenny's morals. Follow your heart.

Jenny Defx: AM, you hit this man's character right on the head.

AM: I know your heart, Darlin'...There is only one type of man that could get you in this much of a true love dilemma....and that's a real man.

REM: She shouldn't be any part of a man leaving his wife. Plain and simple. She deserves her own man that is right there, ready and waiting for her. She deserves a man that isn't carrying emotional baggage from his last relationship and jumping right into a new relationship with her. If he leaves, which is a bad move on his part unless she's cheating or beating him, he needs to take a year at MINIMUM to get himself in check emotionally and mentally and HEAL from the divorce.

Regardless of how 'not in love' he thinks he is, it's gonna hurt and he needs to work through that pain, not cover it up with a new relationship. It's not healthy to jump from one relationship to another.

As for your kids telling you to be happy, I'm glad they do but remember...they are KIDS. You are the adult, you have to do what's best for them and that may not be easy. Walking away from a marriage because 'I don't feel like it' or 'I don't feel in love anymore' is not good. Your feelings change as you grow. Yes, living with regrets from 'what if' can suck but what about the flip side?

What about jumping right into another relationship that may seem great but turns out worse than what you had before? Then what? You screwed yourself and your kids. Unless you are being abused or they are having an affair, I say get off your pity pot, suck it up and really work for it! Nobody gets good things by sitting around wishing for them.

Jenny, you deserve SO much more!!

Jenny Defx: There's a definite and clear reason why both you ladies (and LOG too) are amazing friends for me. I need the support both of you are offering. Thank you ooodles :)

REM: And a REAL man is a man of his WORD...NO matter what. He gave his word to his wife when he married her that he would be there and love, honor and cherish her for the rest of his life. If he can't keep those vows, he's not a real man. He's a little boy being led around by his emotions.

REM: Luv you lady! To thine own self be know deep down what's right and only you can decide that.

AM: People get married for many reasons and divorced for many others. It isn't our place to judge. Living our lives by "paint by numbers" is a nice picture, but in reality we all have to make that picture our own somehow.

REM: Living our life based on feelings and no consideration for the long term is horribly immature and selfish. There are children involved and they need to be considered. If you are not ready to commit for life then you shouldn't be married. Just cuz it feels good in the moment doesn't mean it's right.

Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage? It isn't 'paint by numbers', it's keep your word and think your decisions through before you make them...aka being an adult.

REM: Please understand I say this from a place of love, AM. If it comes across harshly, I'm sorry. I'm not the best at having tact and being PC. I hope I didn't offend anyone and if so, I apologize.

AM: I got remarried because I had brain cancer and needed insurance and needed someone to raise my kids if I died...there was no love... I am even a pastor... All I am saying is don't judge. That is what God does.

REM: Ok..but, you made a commitment. You made the choice to commit to him and you need to be an adult and keep that commitment. You chose to get married for some tough reasons but that doesn't excuse that you committed to him.

If he's been taking care of you and your kids and is willing to be there for them if you die, and they aren't his, you should definitely stay and put your heart into that! There aren't a whole lot of men that will take that on. He may not be perfect but sounds like he's worth giving your all to.

REM: And I'm not judging. I have no place to judge. I've just made mistakes and seen others make mistakes. I've learned from them and I'm just trying to offer that knowledge.

AM: We also made the agreement to go our own ways once everything is in the clear. We don't even sleep in the same bed.

REM: I'm not even going to comment on that.

AM: Thank you.

JBW: Wow! Everyone is entitled to their opinion - as a married women I have to say that for me, REM has the most realistic view of how this kind of thing unfolds. While I also believe that you should follow your heart - I also believe that can do that with a little bit of logic in hand.

There was a time when I lived in a fantasy world - I also found myself angry that things did not turn out the storybook way I thought they should - today I try to make healthy decisions based on what I believe my HP would have me do - I try to keep my hands out of things and let them take their natural course without any help from me - I try to keep my side of the street clean.

I believe that if something is meant to be - it will happen. - If this man is meant to be with Jenny - this will all unfold without any doing on Jenny's part. Jenny deserves an honest, devoted, kind, loving, and big hearted man.

I also KNOW that Jenny has no intention on interfering with anyone's "marriage" - she is an amazing, bright young lady that has worked very hard at paving a new road for herself - I know in my heart (with a little bit of logic ;0) that her HP will continue to present to her with many amazing opportunities to grow and become everything she has always strived to be and in the midst of all this - the "uber" person she has become and is becoming will continue knock the socks off many men to come.

Keep your options open doll face ;0) I love you!!!!!!

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