Friday, April 29, 2011

A Drunk's Perspective

It's Day 4 of my newly committed sobriety and I wanted to write about some perspective I've gained in the last 72+ hours.

When one woman found out about my relapse, she inquired if I was serious or just being dramatic. My response was "Of course I relapsed. I wouldn't joke about something like that."

"Or would I?", I asked myself later on.

I knew that making light of a relapse was not really my style but being dramatic definitely was. At first, I was saddened and shocked that someone would think that I could be that kind of person but after a while, the truth of the matter is that I was that kind of person.

I was melodramatic, emotional, sensitive, and insecure. Yes, even after doing the 12-steps and having 3 years of sobriety under my belt. It hit me that I really hadn't changed at all when it came to handling my emotions and living life on life's terms.

Now in writing this, I sit on a very fine line between being rigorously honest with myself and beating myself up. The goal of this post is definitely not to rehash all those moments of Jenny bashing. I want to explore the enlightenment that this relapse has given me and enjoy the fact I still have enough hope and willingness to seek a greater, more rewarding sobriety.

I stopped listening when they would stress the importance of strengthening your spiritual relationship with a Higher Power. I was still only praying when I felt like it.

When the spiral of self-pity grabbed ahold of me last week, I didn't have that safety net of faith - the one you aquire when you seek a daily interaction with the God of your understanding.

I would sit in meetings and listen to others share about relapse and say to myself "That's not going to happen to me. I'm too scared of that first drink to go back out. My bottom was IT for me and I'm never going to do that again!"

Now, I'd never admit that out-loud because you're not supposed to think that "you're cured". Going to meetings became more about seeing my friends than getting the check up from the neck up that I needed. I felt that missing a few wouldn't hurt because I pretty much "got this thing" anyway. *gasp*

I couldn't even see that I was already trying to control my drinking before I even got in the car to go to the liquor store. I told myself "Stay away from the hard stuff - you can't "handle" that. Just get some of those fancy lemonades and drink them really fast to get your buzz and take the edge off. That should do the trick. No blackouts, no throwing up, no forgetting you have a kid or passing out. Then tomorrow, just wake up and forget it ever happened."

Yeah, rrrrrriiiiiiiiggghht.

You see, when you're not close with your Source of Strength (aka God, Higher Power, Spirit of the Universe, Ghandi, Dr. Suess, Horton, whatever), not working the steps you've been given as a tool to successfully get through thoughts such as these, AND you don't give a shit about praying, then you get what are called "the fuck-its" and you drink. That's just what drunks do.

And I'm glad I did. It's not the smartest way to discover that your sobriety was lacking a firm foundation but hey, it is what it is.

This revelation, this awareness, this fresh start is going to change my sobriety and save my life.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Relapse into Recovery

Last week, I found myself in the middle of such an emotional downward sprial that I made the choice to give up 3 years of sobriety and drink again. At the point the bottle hit my lips, I was done with caring, done with trying, done with taking care of me. I just wanted "out" of this emotional pain without having to do the work that it takes to stay sober.

It took less than 7 days, 3 six-packs of lousy "hard" lemonade and 1 chance to come clean to my sponsor face-to-face and I was done pretending that I could handle this. The obsession to drink was gaining speed and I knew it was just a matter of time before I would start to lose everything, again. I called my sponsor the next morning and told her everything.

It's been a day of relief for me. Nothing like my first day of sobriety over 3 years ago when I couldn't look anyone in the eye, hold my head up or barely make it through the hour without WANTING a drink. This time, it's different.

Today showed me that though I made the wrong choice, it's ok. I learned from it the hard way, yes, but I learned regardless. I knew alcohol wasn't the answer; I knew that before the first sip went down. I never felt relief. A sense of dread returned and I knew that no amount of drinking could ever take that away. I knew it would only get worse if I didn't reach out and ask for help, again.

I tried to convince myself that I could keep this a secret and still attend meetings, eventually "forgetting" about this slip. I am thankful that my recovery up to this point has taught me that living in a lie is no way to live. If drinking wasn't going to kill me this time, my guilt and shame would. I knew what I had to do with each passing day.

I relapsed myself right back into my recovery. I was able to tell my best friend, my sponsor and my Mom. I shared with my FB friends. Everyone was supportive and kind.

It hit me that my 3 years of sobriety might have been sacrificed but my recovery is still with me. I feel closer than before to my desire to stop drinking. I understand tnat we are all given life in one-day-a-time increments so why not appreciate each day as the gift that it is?

Recovery is not a race. Sobriety is not about the numbers of years you can rack up. The longer I stayed sober, the further I grew from what recovery really was all about.

Today I choose to fight back, face my peers fearlessly and admit that when a drunk like me doesn't take her sobriety seriously, it's just a matter of time before I come face-to-face with my foe. And when things that bad, I have no defense against that first drink.

I don't know how long I will stay sober. I might not ever get those 3 years back but I have today. That's good enough for me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

3 Dogs Needing New Homes

Attached is a story from a lady who's Mother was recently killed. She had amassed quite a number of animals in Parhump, Nevada and her daughter, Alissa is in town for a couple of weeks trying to find them new homes.

I am helping spread the message the three dogs that need to be placed. Sadly, they are large, mixed breeds and I son't know if they are sterilized. So, if you can pass this around, you never know who might be able to help.

Alissa's number is on the flyer.


We need to find good homes for 3 wonderful dogs. These dogs need someone willing to give them lots of love and attention. They are all Pit-bull x Bullmastiff and Apron. 2 ½ years old.

Meet Little Boy

Little Boy was runt of the litter but grew up to be the biggest! He is very affectionate, loves to play, and despite his build of a muscular bad boy, he is a big baby.

Meet Slim Pickin’s

Slim is a sweet boy, very active, and would love someone to play with him. Or even take him out for a run with you. He is a digger so watch out for your flower beds. He seems to get bored easily so maybe lots of "thinking" toys would do Slim some good. Lots of playtime would also do him wonders. Although his name is Slim, he is a well built young man.

Meet June Bug

June is a wonderful little girl and would do anything just to be in your lap. She doesn’t quite understand she’s too big for that. She’s just the biggest love bug as you will find.

These dogs need a new home ASAP we have too many dogs to care for now that their Owner has passed. They need a home where they can be outside and be part of the family.

If interested in giving one of these guys a home please call:
(775) 751-5581 Ask for Alissa