Saturday, March 3, 2012

Insomnia's Cursed Blessing

It's 4:01am where I'm at. I've been up for an hour. I keep checking my FB on my BB - nothing. I think to myself "when did I start "speaking" in letters?

I look over at my sweet animals, awakened by my restlessness, now trying to stay awake for the sake of my company as their little eyes grow heavy and they drift off to dream what I hope are peaceful dreams.

After a night of tears and sadness over the uncertainty of my Mother's health, my daughter lies next to me, already in blissful oblivion, her light breathing soothes my soul. I ponder over my blessings for there are many, so many.

I think about my Mom. She and I have had years of heartache and pain, caused mainly by my selfish need to demand that everyone "love" each other the way I need them to. The irony of that catches up to me this morning. To force anyone to love a certain amount or a certain way is a complete oximoron and belittlement of the word. I search my heart for a way to let go of my limiting and hurtful ideals. I yearn to know what it's like to truly love someone. Then I look down at my daughter. Bingo.

I think about the piggy bank out on the counter that has my last bit of savings in it. Meant for Riley and Disneyland, I am saddened that I will yet again have to empty the piggy to get food in the fridge.

I think about the men I've known. Most of them are a waste of my thoughts. They shouldn't keep me too long from writing about those that are worthy. A few come to mind that I quitely wish the best for. One floats on through that will never, ever leave my mind until I take my last breath. "I still love you Edward" echoes in the deepest part of my mind, heart and soul. Wherever you are, I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you have found the love that still eludes me today.

I think about my Cuervo kitty that is beyond her years. She hangs on to life maybe to love on my daughter's head as she sleeps. Maybe to look up at me with those piercing green eyes to "tell" me she loves me. Maybe to continue to watch over all of us and make sure we're ok. I hope it's the love we return that keeps her little kitty heart beating. I dread the day that I come home and there's no Cuervo to greet me.

I think of how I want to get out of this town. Find a place of solice and beauty once again. Then I am reminded to bloom where I'm planted. I know this place is temporary, even if it takes years to find my way out.

Thoughts return to my Mom. I pray she is sleeping peacefully somewhere in some hospital room. I send her my love via the invisible airwaves and into the Universe. She'll never know how much I love her. I believe NOW is my opportunity to show her.

I want to go on and on - a purge of thoughts that plague me and bless me as well wish to pour from my mind onto this electronic outlet. As the laptop battery fades to black, I most go now, proofread and post. I'm hoping these words will be read someday, possibly by another lost soul out there that cannot sleep either.

Goodnight my loves.

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