Wednesday, May 21, 2014

It's Been A While

It's 2:40am. I'm awake, sober and seeking relief. The memory of having this "online journal" came to me so here I am.

Last posts were in 2012. So time does fly afterall.

42 finds me staying at a sober living house in downtown Las Vegas. My daughter now lives with her Godparents in California. I don't have a job and I'm as sick as I ever was.

Sick in the meaning that I still have a chance to get well. Hope is not lost.

"Jenny's negativity is going to kill her" was once stated in a meeting by my now sponsor. She nails it every time.

I sat in the bathroom practically begging God to change these things about me that I allow to destroy my chances of a better life. I want victory over such matters as self centeredness, self loathing, attention seeking, martyrdom, self pity and the like. Victoryy only so I can be an example that God exists.

He does. He's proven it to me countless times. When I tap into that Reality, I find ultimate, perfect peace. Even if it's for a few seconds, it's what I believe to be Heaven.

I am worthy of change.
I am worthy of love.
I am safe, sober and cared for.
I have potential.

Positive affirmations that I struggle to find. But struggle I do and this is what comes. I like it. I know it will grow, change, morph and encompass a life of its own. For now, this is my Beginning.

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